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Twelfth Night :: Scenes

Twelfth Night Scenes

Scene 1Illyria. A room in Duke Orsino’s palace.Duke of IllyriaCurioLordsMusiciansValentineOrsino, Duke of Illyria, is deeply moved by sentimental music. His courtiers try to distract him by encouraging him to hunt, but he merely begins to prattle about his love for the Countess Olivia. His gentleman Valentine returns to inform the Duke that he was not allowed into Olivia’s house to deliver the message Orsino sent her. The Countess is mourning for her dead brother and has sworn to remain veiled and alone for seven years in his memory. Orsino is only further inflamed by this, imagining how much more she could love someone if she loved a brother that much.Enter Orsino, Duke of Illyria, Curio, and other Lords; Musicians attending.DUKE.If music be the food of love, play on,Give me excess of it; that surfeiting,The appetite may sicken, and so die.That strain again, it had a dying fall;O, it came o’er my ear like the sweet soundThat breathes upon a bank of violets,Stealing and giving odor. Enough, no more,’Tis not so sweet now as it was before.O spirit of love, how quick and fresh art thou,That notwithstanding thy capacityReceiveth as the sea, nought enters there,Of what validity and pitch soe’er,But falls into abatement and low priceEven in a minute. So full of shapes is fancyThat it alone is high fantastical.CUR.Will you go hunt, my lord?DUKE.What, Curio?CUR.The hart.DUKE.Why, so I do, the noblest that I have.O, when mine eyes did see Olivia first,Methought she purg’d the air of pestilence!That instant was I turn’d into a hart,And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds,E’er since pursue me.Enter Valentine.How now, what news from her?VAL.So please my lord, I might not be admitted,But from her handmaid do return this answer:The element itself, till seven years’ heat,Shall not behold her face at ample view;But like a cloistress she will veiled walk,And water once a day her chamber roundWith eye-offending brine; all this to seasonA brother’s dead love, which she would keep freshAnd lasting in her sad remembrance.DUKE.O, she that hath a heart of that fine frameTo pay this debt of love but to a brother,How will she love when the rich golden shaftHath kill’d the flock of all affections elseThat live in her; when liver, brain, and heart,These sovereign thrones, are all supplied and fill’dHer sweet perfections with one self king!Away before me to sweet beds of flow’rs,Love-thoughts lie rich when canopied with bow’rs.Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 2The sea coast.ViolaCaptainSailorsShipwrecked, Viola lands on the coast of Illyria, along with the Captain of the ship that went down and some other sailors. She hopes against hope that her brother has not drowned either, and the Captain comforts her by telling her that she saw her brother holding on to a mast. She questions him about the country; as he was born nearby he is able to tell her that it is Orsino’s land, and that rumor has it he is wooing Olivia. Viola wishes she could serve Olivia when she hears how the Countess lives in retreat, but the Captain tells her that would be impossible, as Olivia is receiving no-one. She resolves instead to serve Orsino, and pays the Captain to help her disguise herself as a eunuch.Enter Viola, a Captain, and Sailors.VIO.What country, friends, is this?CAP.This is Illyria, lady.VIO.And what should I do in Illyria?My brother he is in Elysium.Perchance he is not drown’d—what think you, sailors?CAP.It is perchance that you yourself were saved.VIO.O my poor brother! And so perchance may he be.CAP.True, madam, and to comfort you with chance,Assure yourself, after our ship did split,When you, and those poor number saved with you,Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother,Most provident in peril, bind himself(Courage and hope both teaching him the practice)To a strong mast that liv’d upon the sea;Where like Arion on the dolphin’s back,I saw him hold acquaintance with the wavesSo long as I could see.VIO.For saying so, there’s gold.Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope,Whereto thy speech serves for authority,The like of him. Know’st thou this country?CAP.Ay, madam, well, for I was bred and bornNot three hours’ travel from this very place.VIO.Who governs here?CAP.A noble duke, in nature as in name.VIO.What is his name?CAP.Orsino.VIO.Orsino! I have heard my father name him. He was a bachelor then.CAP.And so is now, or was so very late;For but a month ago I went from hence,And then ’twas fresh in murmur (as you knowWhat great ones do, the less will prattle of)That he did seek the love of fair Olivia.VIO.What’s she?CAP.A virtuous maid, the daughter of a countThat died some twelvemonth since, then leaving herIn the protection of his son, her brother,Who shortly also died; for whose dear love,They say, she hath abjur’d the companyAnd sight of men.VIO.O that I serv’d that lady,And might not be delivered to the worldTill I had made mine own occasion mellowWhat my estate is!CAP.That were hard to compass,Because she will admit no kind of suit,No, not the Duke’s.VIO.There is a fair behavior in thee, captain,And though that nature with a beauteous wallDoth oft close in pollution, yet of theeI will believe thou hast a mind that suitsWith this thy fair and outward character.I prithee (and I’ll pay thee bounteously)Conceal me what I am, and be my aidFor such disguise as haply shall becomeThe form of my intent. I’ll serve this duke;Thou shalt present me as an eunuch to him,It may be worth thy pains; for I can singAnd speak to him in many sorts of musicThat will allow me very worth his service.What else may hap, to time I will commit,Only shape thou thy silence to my wit.CAP.Be you his eunuch, and your mute I’ll be;When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see.VIO.I thank thee. Lead me on.Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 3A room in Olivia’s house.Sir Toby BelchMariaSir Andrew AguecheekOlivia’s debauched uncle Sir Toby chats with her gentlewoman Maria, who tries to convince him to be a bit less rowdy. Sir Toby cannot understand why Olivia is moaning so much about her brother. They discuss Sir Andrew Aguecheek, a foolish suitor for Olivia’s hand whom Sir Toby keeps around to milk of his money. Sir Toby praises his accomplishments while Maria points out his foolishness. Sir Andrew enters and quickly proves Maria’s opinion of him correct. Still, he has sense enough to suspect that Olivia will have nothing to do with him, and proposes returning home the next day. Sir Toby convinces him to stay a month longer, promising to help him, and Sir Toby therefore gets to keep his moneybags close for that much longer. He has Sir Andrew practice his dancing.Enter Sir Toby Belch and Maria.SIR TO.What a plague means my niece to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to life.MAR.By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier a’ nights. Your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.SIR TO.Why, let her except before excepted.MAR.Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.SIR TO.Confine? I’ll confine myself no finer than I am. These clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots too; and they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.MAR.That quaffing and drinking will undo you. I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.SIR TO.Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?MAR.Ay, he.SIR TO.He’s as tall a man as any’s in Illyria.MAR.What’s that to th’ purpose?SIR TO.Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.MAR.Ay, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats. He’s a very fool and a prodigal.SIR TO.Fie, that you’ll say so! He plays o’ th’ viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.MAR.He hath indeed, almost natural; for besides that he’s a fool, he’s a great quarreller; and but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, ’tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.SIR TO.By this hand, they are scoundrels and sub-stractors that say so of him. Who are they?MAR.They that add moreov’r, he’s drunk nightly in your company.SIR TO.With drinking healths to my niece. I’ll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat, and drink in Illyria. He’s a coward and a coystrill that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o’ th’ toe like a parish-top. What, wench! Castiliano vulgo! For here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.Enter Sir Andrew Aguecheek.SIR AND.Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch?SIR TO.Sweet Sir Andrew!SIR AND.Bless you, fair shrew.MAR.And you too, sir.SIR TO.Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.SIR AND.What’s that?SIR TO.My niece’s chambermaid.SIR AND.Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.MAR.My name is Mary, sir.SIR AND.Good Mistress Mary Accost—SIR TO.You mistake, knight. “Accost” is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.SIR AND.By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of “accost”?MAR.Fare you well, gentlemen.SIR TO.And thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.SIR AND.And you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?MAR.Sir, I have not you by th’ hand.SIR AND.Marry, but you shall have—and here’s my hand.MAR.Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you bring your hand to th’ butt’ry-bar, and let it drink.SIR AND.Wherefore, sweetheart? What’s your metaphor?MAR.It’s dry, sir.SIR AND.Why, I think so. I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what’s your jest?MAR.A dry jest, sir.SIR AND.Are you full of them?MAR.Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends. Marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren.Exit Maria.SIR TO.O knight, thou lack’st a cup of canary. When did I see thee so put down?SIR AND.Never in your life I think, unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has; but I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that does harm to my wit.SIR TO.No question.SIR AND.And I thought that, I’d forswear it. I’ll ride home tomorrow, Sir Toby.SIR TO.Pourquoi, my dear knight?SIR AND.What is “pourquoi”? Do, or not do? I would I had bestow’d that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting. O had I but follow’d the arts!SIR TO.Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.SIR AND.Why, would that have mended my hair?SIR TO.Past question, for thou seest it will not curl by nature.SIR AND.But it becomes me well enough, does’t not?SIR TO.Excellent, it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to see a huswife take thee between her legs, and spin it off.SIR AND.Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will not be seen, or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me. The Count himself here hard by woos her.SIR TO.She’ll none o’ th’ Count. She’ll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear’t. Tut, there’s life in’t, man.SIR AND.I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ th’ strangest mind i’ th’ world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.SIR TO.Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?SIR AND.As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters, and yet I will not compare with an old man.SIR TO.What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?SIR AND.Faith, I can cut a caper.SIR TO.And I can cut the mutton to’t.SIR AND.And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.SIR TO.Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have these gifts a curtain before ’em? Are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall’s picture? Why dost thou not go to church in a galliard, and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig.I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was form’d under the star of a galliard.SIR AND.Ay, ’tis strong; and it does indifferent well in a dun-color’d stock. Shall we set about some revels?SIR TO.What shall we do else? Were we not born under Taurus?SIR AND.Taurus? That’s sides and heart.SIR TO.No, sir, it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper. Ha, higher! Ha, ha, excellent!Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 4A room in Duke Orsino’s palace.ValentineViolaDukeCurioAttendantsViola, dressed as a youth and calling herself Cesario, has become a favorite servant of Orsino’s. He sends her to woo Olivia for him. She promises to do her best, though to herself has to admit the task will be difficult, as she is herself in love with Orsino.Enter Valentine, and Viola in man’s attire.VAL.If the Duke continue these favors towards you, Cesario, you are like to be much advanc’d; he hath known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.VIO.You either fear his humor or my negligence, that you call in question the continuance of his love. Is he inconstant, sir, in his favors?VAL.No, believe me.Enter Duke, Curio, and Attendants.VIO.I thank you. Here comes the Count.DUKE.Who saw Cesario, ho?VIO.On your attendance, my lord, here.DUKE.Stand you awhile aloof. Cesario,Thou know’st no less but all. I have unclasp’dTo thee the book even of my secret soul.Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her,Be not denied access, stand at her doors,And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall growTill thou have audience.VIO.Sure, my noble lord,If she be so abandon’d to her sorrowAs it is spoke, she never will admit me.DUKE.Be clamorous, and leap all civil bounds,Rather than make unprofited return.VIO.Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?DUKE.O then, unfold the passion of my love,Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith;It shall become thee well to act my woes:She will attend it better in thy youthThan in a nuntio’s of more grave aspect.VIO.I think not so, my lord.DUKE.Dear lad, believe it;For they shall yet belie thy happy years,That say thou art a man. Diana’s lipIs not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipeIs as the maiden’s organ, shrill and sound,And all is semblative a woman’s part.I know thy constellation is right aptFor this affair. Some four or five attend him—All, if you will; for I myself am bestWhen least in company. Prosper well in this,And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord,To call his fortunes thine.VIO.I’ll do my bestTo woo your lady.Aside.Yet a barful strife!Whoe’er I woo, myself would be his wife.Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 5A room in Olivia’s house.MariaClown FesteLady OliviaMalvolioAttendantsSir TobyViolaFeste the jester has returned after a long absence, and Maria refuses to help him get back into Olivia’s favor unless he tells her where he’s been. He gets himself out of the dilemma by use of his wit. Olivia and her steward Malvolio pass by, and Feste salutes her. She orders that the fool be taken away, and he quickly turns the order on its head, ordering that she be taken away. He unarguably proves that Olivia is herself a fool, in a manner clever enough that Olivia is mollified, though Malvolio expresses his distaste at the fact that she enjoys the chatter of a jester, but Olivia warns him that he is too conceited for his own good. Maria announces a young man, probably from Orsino, who refuses to go away without seeing Olivia. The Countess sends Malvolio to deal with it. Toby passes through, half-drunk though it is the middle of the day. Malvolio returns to report that the young man absolutely refuses to leave unless he speaks to Olivia. The Countess decides to receive him, throwing on a veil. Viola comes in, still as Cesario. She begins to recite her set speech, but interrupts herself, and soon departs from her official text and starts to improvise. Olivia admits she knows nothing to Orsino’s detriment, but that she still isn’t in love with him. Viola woos passionately, as if she were courting Orsino, and Olivia finds herself rather taken with the youth. While still insisting that she’ll never be able to respond to Orsino as he wishes, she makes it clear that she wouldn’t mind seeing Cesario again. As “Cesario” leaves, Olivia realizes that she has fallen for “him” completely, and sends Malvolio after “him” with a ring, pretending that “he” left it there.Enter Maria and Clown Feste.MAR.Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter, in way of thy excuse. My lady will hang thee for thy absence.CLO.Let her hang me! He that is well hang’d in this world needs to fear no colors.MAR.Make that good.CLO.He shall see none to fear.MAR.A good lenten answer. I can tell thee where that saying was born, of “I fear no colors.”CLO.Where, good Mistress Mary?MAR.In the wars, and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.CLO.Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents.MAR.Yet you will be hang’d for being so long absent, or to be turn’d away—is not that as good as a hanging to you?CLO.Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and for turning away, let summer bear it out.MAR.You are resolute then?CLO.Not so, neither, but I am resolv’d on two points—MAR.That if one break, the other will hold; or if both break, your gaskins fall.CLO.Apt, in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way, if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve’s flesh as any in Illyria.MAR.Peace, you rogue, no more o’ that. Here comes my lady. Make your excuse wisely, you were best.Exit.Enter Lady Olivia with Malvolio and Attendants.CLO.Wit, and’t be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits that think they have thee do very oft prove fools; and I that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man. For what says Quinapalus? “Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”—God bless thee, lady!OLI.Take the fool away.CLO.Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.OLI.Go to, y’ are a dry fool; I’ll no more of you. Besides, you grow dishonest.CLO.Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend; for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry; bid the dishonest man mend himself: if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing that’s mended is but patch’d; virtue that transgresses is but patch’d with sin, and sin that amends is but patch’d with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty’s a flower. The lady bade take away the fool, therefore I say again, take her away.OLI.Sir, I bade them take away you.CLO.Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, “Cucullus non facit monachum”: that’s as much to say as I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.OLI.Can you do it?CLO.Dexteriously, good madonna.OLI.Make your proof.CLO.I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my mouse of virtue, answer me.OLI.Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I’ll bide your proof.CLO.Good madonna, why mourn’st thou?OLI.Good fool, for my brother’s death.CLO.I think his soul is in hell, madonna.OLI.I know his soul is in heaven, fool.CLO.The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul, being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.OLI.What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he not mend?MAL.Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool.CLO.God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox, but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no fool.OLI.How say you to that, Malvolio?MAL.I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal. I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he’s out of his guard already. Unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagg’d. I protest I take these wise men that crow so at these set kind of fools no better than the fools’ zanies.OLI.O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distemper’d appetite. To be generous, guiltless, and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets. There is no slander in an allow’d fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.CLO.Now Mercury indue thee with leasing, for thou speak’st well of fools!Enter Maria.MAR.Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you.OLI.From the Count Orsino, is it?MAR.I know not, madam. ’Tis a fair young man, and well attended.OLI.Who of my people hold him in delay?MAR.Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.OLI.Fetch him off, I pray you, he speaks nothing but madman; fie on him!Exit Maria.Go you, Malvolio; if it be a suit from the Count, I am sick, or not at home—what you will, to dismiss it.Exit Malvolio.Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it.CLO.Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains! For—here he comes—Enter Sir Toby.One of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.OLI.By mine honor, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?SIR TO.A gentleman.OLI.A gentleman? What gentleman?SIR TO.’Tis a gentleman here—a plague o’ these pickle-herring! How now, sot?CLO.Good Sir Toby!OLI.Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?SIR TO.Lechery! I defy lechery. There’s one at the gate.OLI.Ay, marry, what is he?SIR TO.Let him be the devil and he will, I care not; give me faith say I. Well, it’s all one.Exit.OLI.What’s a drunken man like, fool?CLO.Like a drown’d man, a fool, and a madman. One draught above heat makes him a fool, the second mads him, and a third drowns him.OLI.Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o’ my coz; for he’s in the third degree of drink, he’s drown’d. Go look after him.CLO.He is but mad yet, madonna, and the fool shall look to the madman.Exit.Enter Malvolio.MAL.Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? He’s fortified against any denial.OLI.Tell him he shall not speak with me.MAL.H’as been told so; and he says he’ll stand at your door like a sheriff’s post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he’ll speak with you.OLI.What kind o’ man is he?MAL.Why, of mankind.OLI.What manner of man?MAL.Of very ill manner: he’ll speak with you, will you or no.OLI.Of what personage and years is he?MAL.Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as a squash is before ’tis a peas-cod, or a codling when ’tis almost an apple. ’Tis with him in standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favor’d, and he speaks very shrewishly. One would think his mother’s milk were scarce out of him.OLI.Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman.MAL.Gentlewoman, my lady calls.Exit.Enter Maria.OLI.Give me my veil; come throw it o’er my face.We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy.Enter Viola.VIO.The honorable lady of the house, which is she?OLI.Speak to me, I shall answer for her. Your will?VIO.Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty—I pray you tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her. I would be loath to cast away my speech; for besides that it is excellently well penn’d, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage.OLI.Whence came you, sir?VIO.I can say little more than I have studied, and that question’s out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.OLI.Are you a comedian?VIO.No, my profound heart; and yet (by the very fangs of malice I swear) I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the house?OLI.If I do not usurp myself, I am.VIO.Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is from my commission; I will on with my speech in your praise, and then show you the heart of my message.OLI.Come to what is important in’t. I forgive you the praise.VIO.Alas, I took great pains to study it, and ’tis poetical.OLI.It is the more like to be feign’d, I pray you keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates, and allow’d your approach rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone. If you have reason, be brief. ’Tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.MAR.Will you hoist sail, sir? Here lies your way.VIO.No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet lady. Tell me your mind—I am a messenger.OLI.Sure you have some hideous matter to deliver, when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.VIO.It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage; I hold the olive in my hand; my words are as full of peace as matter.OLI.Yet you began rudely. What are you? What would you?VIO.The rudeness that hath appear’d in me have I learn’d from my entertainment. What I am, and what I would, are as secret as maidenhead: to your ears, divinity; to any other’s, profanation.OLI.Give us the place alone, we will hear this divinity.Exeunt Maria and Attendants.Now, sir, what is your text?VIO.Most sweet lady—OLI.A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. Where lies your text?VIO.In Orsino’s bosom.OLI.In his bosom? In what chapter of his bosom?VIO.To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.OLI.O, I have read it; it is heresy. Have you no more to say?VIO.Good madam, let me see your face.OLI.Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my face? You are now out of your text; but we will draw the curtain, and show you the picture. Look you, sir, such a one I was this present.Unveiling.Is’t not well done?VIO.Excellently done, if God did all.OLI.’Tis in grain, sir, ’twill endure wind and weather.VIO.’Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and whiteNature’s own sweet and cunning hand laid on.Lady, you are the cruell’st she aliveIf you will lead these graces to the grave,And leave the world no copy.OLI.O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give out divers schedules of my beauty. It shall be inventoried, and every particle and utensil labell’d to my will: as, item, two lips, indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise me?VIO.I see you what you are, you are too proud;But if you were the devil, you are fair.My lord and master loves you. O, such loveCould be but recompens’d, though you were crown’dThe nonpareil of beauty.OLI.How does he love me?VIO.With adorations, fertile tears,With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.OLI.Your lord does know my mind, I cannot love him,Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;In voices well divulg’d, free, learn’d, and valiant,And in dimension, and the shape of nature,A gracious person. But yet I cannot love him.He might have took his answer long ago.VIO.If I did love you in my master’s flame,With such a suff’ring, such a deadly life,In your denial I would find no sense,I would not understand it.OLI.Why, what would you?VIO.Make me a willow cabin at your gate,And call upon my soul within the house;Write loyal cantons of contemned love,And sing them loud even in the dead of night;Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,And make the babbling gossip of the airCry out “Olivia!” O, you should not restBetween the elements of air and earthBut you should pity me!OLI.You might do much.What is your parentage?VIO.Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:I am a gentleman.OLI.Get you to your lord.I cannot love him; let him send no more—Unless (perchance) you come to me againTo tell me how he takes it. Fare you well.I thank you for your pains. Spend this for me.VIO.I am no fee’d post, lady; keep your purse;My master, not myself, lacks recompense.Love make his heart of flint that you shall love,And let your fervor like my master’s bePlac’d in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.OLI.“What is your parentage?”“Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:I am a gentleman.” I’ll be sworn thou art;Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions, and spiritDo give thee fivefold blazon. Not too fast! Soft, soft!Unless the master were the man. How now?Even so quickly may one catch the plague?Methinks I feel this youth’s perfectionsWith an invisible and subtle stealthTo creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.What ho, Malvolio!Enter Malvolio.MAL.Here, madam, at your service.OLI.Run after that same peevish messenger,The County’s man. He left this ring behind him,Would I or not. Tell him I’ll none of it.Desire him not to flatter with his lord,Nor hold him up with hopes: I am not for him.If that the youth will come this way tomorrow,I’ll give him reasons for’t. Hie thee, Malvolio.MAL.Madam, I will.Exit.OLI.I do I know not what, and fear to findMine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;What is decreed must be; and be this so.Exit.
 
 
Scene 1The sea coast.AntonioSebastianViola’s brother Sebastian, who was rescued from the shipwreck by the sea captain Antonio, reveals his true identity to his friend and insists on leaving him to search for Viola. Antonio begs him to remain, or at least to let him follow, but Sebastian refuses, not wishing to bring ill luck on him. Antonio begs further, even offering to be his servant, but Sebastian still says no, and sets off for Orsino’s court. Antonio has many enemies in Illyria, but unable to face the thought of losing Sebastian, he follows him there.Enter Antonio and Sebastian.ANT.Will you stay no longer? Nor will you not that I go with you?SEB.By your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over me. The malignancy of my fate might perhaps distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your leave, that I may bear my evils alone. It were a bad recompense for your love, to lay any of them on you.ANT.Let me yet know of you whither you are bound.SEB.No, sooth, sir; my determinate voyage is mere extravagancy. But I perceive in you so excellent a touch of modesty, that you will not extort from me what I am willing to keep in; therefore it charges me in manners the rather to express myself. You must know of me then, Antonio, my name is Sebastian, which I call’d Rodorigo; my father was that Sebastian of Messaline, whom I know you have heard of. He left behind him myself and a sister, both born in an hour. If the heavens had been pleas’d, would we had so ended! But you, sir, alter’d that, for some hour before you took me from the breach of the sea was my sister drown’d.ANT.Alas the day!SEB.A lady, sir, though it was said she much resembled me, was yet of many accounted beautiful; but though I could not with such estimable wonder overfar believe that, yet thus far I will boldly publish her: she bore a mind that envy could not but call fair. She is drown’d already, sir, with salt water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more.ANT.Pardon me, sir, your bad entertainment.SEB.O good Antonio, forgive me your trouble.ANT.If you will not murder me for my love, let me be your servant.SEB.If you will not undo what you have done, that is, kill him whom you have recover’d, desire it not. Fare ye well at once; my bosom is full of kindness, and I am yet so near the manners of my mother, that upon the least occasion more mine eyes will tell tales of me. I am bound to the Count Orsino’s court. Farewell.Exit.ANT.The gentleness of all the gods go with thee!I have many enemies in Orsino’s court,Else would I very shortly see thee there.But come what may, I do adore thee soThat danger shall seem sport, and I will go.Exit.
 
 
Scene 2Illyria. A street.ViolaMalvolioMalvolio catches up to Viola and hands her the ring Olivia gave him. Viola protests that she left no ring with Olivia, but Malvolio insists, and drops the ring in the dirt for her to pick up. Left alone, Viola considers the situation and suddenly realizes that the only explanation for Olivia’s actions is that she’s fallen in love with Cesario. Which is a bit of a problem, since Cesario is in fact Viola, who is in love with Orsino, on whose behalf she/he is wooing Olivia. Viola can think of no solution but to let time take care of things.Enter Viola and Malvolio at several doors.MAL.Were you not ev’n now with the Countess Olivia?VIO.Even now, sir; on a moderate pace I have since arriv’d but hither.MAL.She returns this ring to you, sir. You might have sav’d me my pains, to have taken it away yourself. She adds moreover, that you should put your lord into a desperate assurance she will none of him. And one thing more, that you be never so hardy to come again in his affairs, unless it be to report your lord’s taking of this. Receive it so.VIO.She took the ring of me, I’ll none of it.MAL.Come, sir, you peevishly threw it to her; and her will is, it should be so return’d. If it be worth stooping for, there it lies, in your eye; if not, be it his that finds it.Exit.VIO.I left no ring with her. What means this lady?Fortune forbid my outside have not charm’d her!She made good view of me; indeed so muchThat methought her eyes had lost her tongue,For she did speak in starts distractedly.She loves me sure, the cunning of her passionInvites me in this churlish messenger.None of my lord’s ring? Why, he sent her none.I am the man! If it be so, as ’tis,Poor lady, she were better love a dream.Disguise, I see thou art a wickednessWherein the pregnant enemy does much.How easy is it for the proper-falseIn women’s waxen hearts to set their forms!Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we,For such as we are made of, such we be.How will this fadge? My master loves her dearly,And I (poor monster) fond as much on him;And she (mistaken) seems to dote on me.What will become of this? As I am man,My state is desperate for my master’s love;As I am woman (now alas the day!),What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe!O time, thou must untangle this, not I,It is too hard a knot for me t’ untie.Exit.
 
 
Scene 3A room in Olivia’s house.Sir TobySir AndrewClownMariaMalvolioSir Toby and Sir Andrew sneak back in well after midnight, distinctly un-sober. Toby calls for Maria to bring them more wine. Feste joins them and the three begin to have a merry time. Toby is soon paying Feste to sing for them. Soon they are all drunkenly singing together. Maria comes in to warn them to quiet down, as they have probably woken Olivia by now, and she will have called up Malvolio. They pay absolutely no attention. Malvolio storms in to demand peace and quiet on Olivia’s behalf, and threatens to have Toby kicked out of the house if he doesn’t mend his ways. Toby reminds him that he is only a servant, and he takes it out on Maria, threatening to tell Olivia that Maria aids and abets Sir Toby and his company. He leaves in a huff. They decide to revenge themselves on him, using his own self-importance against him. Maria, whose handwriting looks a great deal like Olivia’s, plans to con him into thinking that the Countess is in love with him, and hereby to make him act like a fool. She leaves as Sir Toby and Sir Andrew admire her. Toby tells Andrew that he’ll need to send for more money; Andrew is a little worried, as if he does not win Olivia’s hand he will have spent a huge amount on nothing. But Toby reassures him on that count.Enter Sir Toby and Sir Andrew.SIR TO.Approach, Sir Andrew. Not to be a-bed after midnight is to be up betimes, and “deliculo surgere,” thou know’st—SIR AND.Nay, by my troth, I know not; but I know, to be up late is to be up late.SIR TO.A false conclusion. I hate it as an unfill’d can. To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is early; so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes. Does not our lives consist of the four elements?SIR AND.Faith, so they say, but I think it rather consists of eating and drinking.SIR TO.Th’ art a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink. Marian, I say, a stoup of wine!Enter Clown.SIR AND.Here comes the fool, i’ faith.CLO.How now, my hearts? Did you never see the picture of “we three”?SIR TO.Welcome, ass. Now let’s have a catch.SIR AND.By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg, and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last night, when thou spok’st of Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus. ’Twas very good, i’ faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy leman; hadst it?CLO.I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio’s nose is no whipstock. My lady has a white hand, and the Mermidons are no bottle-ale houses.SIR AND.Excellent! Why, this is the best fooling, when all is done. Now a song.SIR TO.Come on, there is sixpence for you. Let’s have a song.SIR AND.There’s a testril of me too. If one knight give a—CLO.Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?SIR TO.A love-song, a love-song.SIR AND.Ay, ay. I care not for good life.CLO.Sings.O mistress mine, where are you roaming?O, stay and hear, your true-love’s coming,That can sing both high and low.Trip no further, pretty sweeting;Journeys end in lovers meeting,Every wise man’s son doth know.SIR AND.Excellent good, i’ faith.SIR TO.Good, good.CLO.Sings.What is love? ’Tis not hereafter;Present mirth hath present laughter;What’s to come is still unsure.In delay there lies no plenty,Then come kiss me sweet and twenty;Youth’s a stuff will not endure.SIR AND.A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.SIR TO.A contagious breath.SIR AND.Very sweet and contagious, i’ faith.SIR TO.To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? Shall we rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver? Shall we do that?SIR AND.And you love me, let’s do’t. I am dog at a catch.CLO.By’r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.SIR AND.Most certain. Let our catch be “Thou knave.”CLO.“Hold thy peace, thou knave,” knight? I shall be constrain’d in’t to call thee knave, knight.SIR AND.’Tis not the first time I have constrain’d one to call me knave. Begin, fool. It begins, “Hold thy peace.”CLO.I shall never begin if I hold my peace.SIR AND.Good, i’ faith. Come, begin.Catch sung.Enter Maria.MAR.What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not call’d up her steward Malvolio and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.SIR TO.My lady’s a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio’s a Peg-a-Ramsey, andSings.“Three merry men be we.”Am not I consanguineous? Am I not of her blood? Tilly-vally! Lady!Sings.“There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady.”CLO.Beshrew me, the knight’s in admirable fooling.SIR AND.Ay, he does well enough if he be dispos’d, and so do I too. He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.SIR TO.Sings.“O’ the twelf day of December”—MAR.For the love o’ God, peace!Enter Malvolio.MAL.My masters, are you mad? Or what are you? Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an alehouse of my lady’s house, that ye squeak out your coziers’ catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?SIR TO.We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!MAL.Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me tell you, that though she harbors you as her kinsman, she’s nothing allied to your disorders. If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you are welcome to the house; if not, and it would please you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid you farewell.SIR TO.Sings.“Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.”MAR.Nay, good Sir Toby.CLO.Sings.“His eyes do show his days are almost done.”MAL.Is’t even so?SIR TO.Sings.“But I will never die.”CLO.Sir Toby, there you lie.MAL.This is much credit to you.SIR TO.Sings.“Shall I bid him go?”CLO.Sings.“What and if you do?”SIR TO.Sings.“Shall I bid him go, and spare not?”CLO.Sings.“O no, no, no, no, you dare not.”SIR TO.To Clown.Out o’ tune, sir! Ye lie.To Malvolio.Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think because thou art virtuous there shall be no more cakes and ale?CLO.Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i’ th’ mouth too.SIR TO.Th’ art i’ th’ right. Go, sir, rub your chain with crumbs. A stope of wine, Maria!MAL.Mistress Mary, if you priz’d my lady’s favor at any thing more than contempt, you would not give means for this uncivil rule. She shall know of it, by this hand.Exit.MAR.Go shake your ears.SIR AND.’Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man’s a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to break promise with him, and make a fool of him.SIR TO.Do’t, knight. I’ll write thee a challenge, or I’ll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.MAR.Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight. Since the youth of the Count’s was today with my lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him. If I do not gull him into an ayword, and make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed. I know I can do it.SIR TO.Possess us, possess us, tell us something of him.MAR.Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.SIR AND.O, if I thought that, I’d beat him like a dog!SIR TO.What, for being a puritan? Thy exquisite reason, dear knight?SIR AND.I have no exquisite reason for’t, but I have reason good enough.MAR.The dev’l a puritan that he is, or any thing constantly but a time-pleaser, an affection’d ass, that cons state without book, and utters it by great swarths; the best persuaded of himself, so cramm’d (as he thinks) with excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work.SIR TO.What wilt thou do?MAR.I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love, wherein by the color of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated. I can write very like my lady your niece; on a forgotten matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands.SIR TO.Excellent, I smell a device.SIR AND.I have’t in my nose too.SIR TO.He shall think by the letters that thou wilt drop that they come from my niece, and that she’s in love with him.MAR.My purpose is indeed a horse of that color.SIR AND.And your horse now would make him an ass.MAR.Ass, I doubt not.SIR AND.O, ’twill be admirable!MAR.Sport royal, I warrant you. I know my physic will work with him. I will plant you two, and let the fool make a third, where he shall find the letter; observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.Exit.SIR TO.Good night, Penthesilea.SIR AND.Before me, she’s a good wench.SIR TO.She’s a beagle true-bred, and one that adores me. What o’ that?SIR AND.I was ador’d once too.SIR TO.Let’s to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for more money.SIR AND.If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.SIR TO.Send for money, knight; if thou hast her not i’ th’ end, call me cut.SIR AND.If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.SIR TO.Come, come, I’ll go burn some sack, ’tis too late to go to bed now. Come, knight, come, knight.Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 4A room in Duke Orsino’s palace.DukeViolaCurioClownAttendantsOrsino calls for yet more music, a song he heard the other day and greatly enjoyed. Its proper singer is Feste, who is hanging around the palace, and he is sent for. In the meantime, Orsino has the music played, and listens to it with Viola. Asking “Cesario” how he likes it, Orsino soon works out that the “young man” is in love. As he questions her, Viola tries to lie as little as possible about who she’s in love with. Her description of a woman resembling him amuses Orsino a great deal, and he gives the boy a great deal of advice. Feste comes in and sings the song. Orsino demands that “Ceasrio” return to plead to Olivia once again. Viola tries to make him see reason, but he refuses to accept that Olivia could refuse him. Orsino also cannot believe that a woman can love as deeply as a man, but Viola contradicts him, telling him of “his sister’s” love for a man, in truth talking about her own feelings for Orsino. The Duke sends “him” off all the same.Enter Duke, Viola, Curio, and others.DUKE.Give me some music. Now good morrow, friends.Now, good Cesario, but that piece of song,That old and antique song we heard last night;Methought it did relieve my passion much,More than light airs and recollected termsOf these most brisk and giddy-paced times.Come, but one verse.CUR.He is not here, so please your lordship, that should sing it.DUKE.Who was it?CUR.Feste the jester, my lord, a fool that the Lady Olivia’s father took much delight in. He is about the house.DUKE.Seek him out, and play the tune the while.Exit Curio.Music plays.Come hither, boy. If ever thou shalt love,In the sweet pangs of it remember me;For such as I am, all true lovers are,Unstaid and skittish in all motions else,Save in the constant image of the creatureThat is belov’d. How dost thou like this tune?VIO.It gives a very echo to the seatWhere Love is thron’d.DUKE.Thou dost speak masterly.My life upon’t, young though thou art, thine eyeHath stay’d upon some favor that it loves.Hath it not, boy?VIO.A little, by your favor.DUKE.What kind of woman is’t?VIO.Of your complexion.DUKE.She is not worth thee then. What years, i’ faith?VIO.About your years, my lord.DUKE.Too old, by heaven. Let still the woman takeAn elder than herself, so wears she to him;So sways she level in her husband’s heart.For, boy, however we do praise ourselves,Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm,More longing, wavering, sooner lost and worn,Than women’s are.VIO.I think it well, my lord.DUKE.Then let thy love be younger than thyself,Or thy affection cannot hold the bent;For women are as roses, whose fair flow’rBeing once display’d, doth fall that very hour.VIO.And so they are; alas, that they are so!To die, even when they to perfection grow!Enter Curio and Clown.DUKE.O fellow, come, the song we had last night.Mark it, Cesario, it is old and plain.The spinsters and the knitters in the sun,And the free maids that weave their thread with bones,Do use to chaunt it. It is silly sooth,And dallies with the innocence of love,Like the old age.CLO.Are you ready, sir?DUKE.Ay, prithee sing.Music. The SongCLO.CLO.Come away, come away, death,And in sad cypress let me be laid.Fly away, fly away, breath,I am slain by a fair cruel maid.My shroud of white, stuck all with yew,O, prepare it!My part of death, no one so trueDid share it.Not a flower, not a flower sweetOn my black coffin let there be strown.Not a friend, not a friend greetMy poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown.A thousand thousand sighs to save,Lay me, O, whereSad true lover never find my grave,To weep there.DUKE.There’s for thy pains.CLO.No pains, sir, I take pleasure in singing, sir.DUKE.I’ll pay thy pleasure then.CLO.Truly, sir, and pleasure will be paid, one time or another.DUKE.Give me now leave to leave thee.CLO.Now the melancholy god protect thee, and the tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffata, for thy mind is a very opal. I would have men of such constancy put to sea, that their business might be every thing and their intent every where, for that’s it that always makes a good voyage of nothing. Farewell.Exit.DUKE.Let all the rest give place.Curio and Attendants retire.Once more, Cesario,Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty,Tell her, my love, more noble than the world,Prizes not quantity of dirty lands;The parts that fortune hath bestow’d upon her,Tell her, I hold as giddily as fortune;But ’tis that miracle and queen of gemsThat nature pranks her in attracts my soul.VIO.But if she cannot love you, sir?DUKE.I cannot be so answer’d.VIO.Sooth, but you must.Say that some lady, as perhaps there is,Hath for your love as great a pang of heartAs you have for Olivia. You cannot love her;You tell her so. Must she not then be answer’d?DUKE.There is no woman’s sidesCan bide the beating of so strong a passionAs love doth give my heart; no woman’s heartSo big, to hold so much; they lack retention.Alas, their love may be call’d appetite,No motion of the liver, but the palate,That suffer surfeit, cloyment, and revolt,But mine is all as hungry as the sea,And can digest as much. Make no compareBetween that love a woman can bear meAnd that I owe Olivia.VIO.Ay, but I know—DUKE.What dost thou know?VIO.Too well what love women to men may owe;In faith, they are as true of heart as we.My father had a daughter lov’d a manAs it might be perhaps, were I a woman,I should your lordship.DUKE.And what’s her history?VIO.A blank, my lord; she never told her love,But let concealment like a worm i’ th’ budFeed on her damask cheek; she pin’d in thought,And with a green and yellow melancholyShe sate like Patience on a monument,Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?We men may say more, swear more, but indeedOur shows are more than will; for still we proveMuch in our vows, but little in our love.DUKE.But died thy sister of her love, my boy?VIO.I am all the daughters of my father’s house,And all the brothers too—and yet I know not.Sir, shall I to this lady?DUKE.Ay, that’s the theme,To her in haste; give her this jewel; sayMy love can give no place, bide no denay.Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 5Olivia’s garden.Sir TobySir AndrewFabianMariaMalvolioSir Toby and Sir Andrew have brought Fabian into the plot against Malvolio. Fabian hates the steward for having put him on Olivia’s bad side. Maria enters with the fake letter and leaves it where Malvolio is sure to find it, and the conspirators hide in the hedge to spy on the steward as he arrives. Malvolio enters talking to himself, considering the possibility that he could rise in social status by marrying Olivia, which is not an unheard-of sort of circumstance. Sir Toby is outraged as Malvolio thinks through just how wonderful life would be as a count — particularly the possibility of putting Sir Toby in his place. The steward finds the letter, and, deceived by the handwriting and the seal, takes it upon himself to open it. The message is enigmatic, but Malvolio soon manages to convince himself that it is a love letter from Olivia intended for him. The hidden conspirators mock him soundly as he goes through the letter. Malvolio soon believes that Olivia wishes him to dress in cross-gartered yellow stockings and that he should smile, and runs off to dress that way. Coming forth, the men kneel before Maria in adoration for what she has managed, and she urges them to follow to see the rest, since the style she has suggested Malvolio dress in is one that Olivia particularly detests. At this stage, the men are ready to do anything Maria tells them.Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian.SIR TO.Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.FAB.Nay, I’ll come. If I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boil’d to death with melancholy.SIR TO.Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?FAB.I would exult, man. You know he brought me out o’ favor with my lady about a bear-baiting here.SIR TO.To anger him we’ll have the bear again, and we will fool him black and blue, shall we not, Sir Andrew?SIR AND.And we do not, it is pity of our lives.Enter Maria.SIR TO.Here comes the little villain. How now, my metal of India?MAR.Get ye all three into the box-tree; Malvolio’s coming down this walk. He has been yonder i’ the sun practicing behavior to his own shadow this half hour. Observe him, for the love of mockery; for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting!The men hide themselves.Lie thou there;Throws down a letter.for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.Exit.Enter Malvolio.MAL.’Tis but fortune, all is fortune. Maria once told me she did affect me, and I have heard herself come thus near, that should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more exalted respect than any one else that follows her. What should I think on’t?SIR TO.Here’s an overweening rogue!FAB.O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him. How he jets under his advanc’d plumes!SIR AND.’Slight, I could so beat the rogue!SIR TO.Peace, I say!MAL.To be Count Malvolio!SIR TO.Ah, rogue!SIR AND.Pistol him, pistol him!SIR TO.Peace, peace!MAL.There is example for’t: the Lady of the Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe.SIR AND.Fie on him, Jezebel!FAB.O, peace! Now he’s deeply in. Look how imagination blows him.MAL.Having been three months married to her, sitting in my state—SIR TO.O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!MAL.Calling my officers about me, in my branch’d velvet gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left Olivia sleeping—SIR TO.Fire and brimstone!FAB.O, peace, peace!MAL.And then to have the humor of state; and after a demure travel of regard—telling them I know my place as I would they should do theirs—to ask for my kinsman Toby—SIR TO.Bolts and shackles!FAB.O, peace, peace, peace! Now, now.MAL.Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for him. I frown the while, and perchance wind up my watch, or play with my—some rich jewel. Toby approaches; curtsies there to me—SIR TO.Shall this fellow live?FAB.Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.MAL.I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of control—SIR TO.And does not Toby take you a blow o’ the lips then?MAL.Saying, “Cousin Toby, my fortunes, having cast me on your niece, give me this prerogative of speech”—SIR TO.What, what?MAL.“You must amend your drunkenness.”SIR TO.Out, scab!FAB.Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot!MAL.“Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight”—SIR AND.That’s me, I warrant you.MAL.“One Sir Andrew”—SIR AND.I knew ’twas I, for many do call me fool.MAL.What employment have we here?Taking up the letter.FAB.Now is the woodcock near the gin.SIR TO.O, peace, and the spirit of humors intimate reading aloud to him!MAL.By my life, this is my lady’s hand. These be her very c’s, her u’s, and her t’s, and thus makes she her great P’s. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.SIR AND.Her c’s, her u’s, and her t’s: why that?MAL.Reads.“To the unknown belov’d, this, and my good wishes”:—Her very phrases! By your leave, wax. Soft! And the impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal. ’Tis my lady. To whom should this be?FAB.This wins him, liver and all.MAL.Reads.“Jove knows I love,But who?Lips, do not move;No man must know.”“No man must know.” What follows? The numbers alter’d! “No man must know.” If this should be thee, Malvolio?SIR TO.Marry, hang thee, brock!MAL.Reads.“I may command where I adore,But silence, like a Lucrece knife,With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore;M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.”FAB.A fustian riddle!SIR TO.Excellent wench, say I.MAL.“M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.” Nay, but first let me see, let me see, let me see.FAB.What dish a’ poison has she dress’d him!SIR TO.And with what wing the staniel checks at it!MAL.“I may command where I adore.” Why, she may command me: I serve her, she is my lady. Why, this is evident to any formal capacity, there is no obstruction in this. And the end—what should that alphabetical position portend? If I could make that resemble something in me! Softly! M.O.A.I.—SIR TO.O ay, make up that. He is now at a cold scent.FAB.Sowter will cry upon’t for all this, though it be as rank as a fox.MAL.M—Malvolio; M—why, that begins my name.FAB.Did not I say he would work it out? The cur is excellent at faults.MAL.M—but then there is no consonancy in the sequel that suffers under probation: A should follow, but O does.FAB.And O shall end, I hope.SIR TO.Ay, or I’ll cudgel him, and make him cry O!MAL.And then I comes behind.FAB.Ay, and you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you.MAL.M.O.A.I. This simulation is not as the former; and yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for every one of these letters are in my name. Soft, here follows prose.Reads.MAL.“If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above thee, but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ’em. Thy Fates open their hands, let thy blood and spirit embrace them, and to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity. She thus advises thee that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy yellow stockings, and wish’d to see thee ever cross-garter’d: I say, remember. Go to, thou art made if thou desir’st to be so; if not, let me see thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to touch Fortune’s fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with thee,The Fortunate-Unhappy.”Daylight and champian discovers not more. This is open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man. I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-garter’d, and in this she manifests herself to my love, and with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits of her liking. I thank my stars, I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-garter’d, even with the swiftness of putting on. Jove and my stars be prais’d! Here is yet a postscript.Reads.MAL.“Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou entertain’st my love, let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles become thee well. Therefore in my presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.”Jove, I thank thee. I will smile, I will do every thing that thou wilt have me.Exit.FAB.I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.SIR TO.I could marry this wench for this device—SIR AND.So could I too.SIR TO.And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.Enter Maria.SIR AND.Nor I neither.FAB.Here comes my noble gull-catcher.SIR TO.Wilt thou set thy foot o’ my neck?SIR AND.Or o’ mine either?SIR TO.Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip, and become thy bond-slave?SIR AND.I’ faith, or I either?SIR TO.Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when the image of it leaves him he must run mad.MAR.Nay, but say true, does it work upon him?SIR TO.Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.MAR.If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady. He will come to her in yellow stockings, and ’tis a color she abhors, and cross-garter’d, a fashion she detests; and he will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me.SIR TO.To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!SIR AND.I’ll make one too.Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 1Olivia’s garden.ViolaClownSir TobyAndrewOliviaGentlewomanViola, returning to Olivia’s on Orsino’s business, runs into Feste, who converses with her until she gives him a coin. As Feste goes to fetch Olivia, Sir Toby and Sir Andrew enter. When Olivia arrives, Sir Andrew takes notes on what “Cesario” says. Olivia asks to be left alone with the messenger, who begins to press Orsino’s suit, but Olivia dismisses the Duke from her mind and begins courting “Cesario” herself. Viola tries to escape the subject, but cannot. She can only offer Olivia her pity, and insists that she loves no woman. Olivia begs “him” to come back anyway, in the hopes that she may soften “his” heart.Enter Viola, and Clown with a tabor.VIO.’Save thee, friend, and thy music! Dost thou live by thy tabor?CLO.No, sir, I live by the church.VIO.Art thou a churchman?CLO.No such matter, sir. I do live by the church; for I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by the church.VIO.So thou mayst say the king lies by a beggar, if a beggar dwells near him; or the church stands by thy tabor, if thy tabor stand by the church.CLO.You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is but a chev’ril glove to a good wit. How quickly the wrong side may be turn’d outward!VIO.Nay, that’s certain. They that dally nicely with words may quickly make them wanton.CLO.I would therefore my sister had had no name, sir.VIO.Why, man?CLO.Why, sir, her name’s a word, and to dally with that word might make my sister wanton. But indeed, words are very rascals since bonds disgrac’d them.VIO.Thy reason, man?CLO.Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words, and words are grown so false, I am loath to prove reason with them.VIO.I warrant thou art a merry fellow, and car’st for nothing.CLO.Not so, sir, I do care for something; but in my conscience, sir, I do not care for you. If that be to care for nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible.VIO.Art not thou the Lady Olivia’s fool?CLO.No, indeed, sir, the Lady Olivia has no folly. She will keep no fool, sir, till she be married, and fools are as like husbands as pilchers are to herrings, the husband’s the bigger. I am indeed not her fool, but her corrupter of words.VIO.I saw thee late at the Count Orsino’s.CLO.Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun, it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress. I think I saw your wisdom there.VIO.Nay, and thou pass upon me, I’ll no more with thee. Hold, there’s expenses for thee.CLO.Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!VIO.By my troth, I’ll tell thee, I am almost sick for one—Aside.VIO.though I would not have it grow on my chin. Is thy lady within?CLO.Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?VIO.Yes, being kept together, and put to use.CLO.I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring a Cressida to this Troilus.VIO.I understand you, sir. ’Tis well begg’d.CLO.The matter, I hope, is not great, sir—begging but a beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is within, sir. I will conster to them whence you come; who you are, and what you would, are out of my welkin—I might say “element,” but the word is overworn.Exit.CLO.VIO.This fellow is wise enough to play the fool,And to do that well craves a kind of wit.He must observe their mood on whom he jests,The quality of persons, and the time;And like the haggard, check at every featherThat comes before his eye. This is a practiceAs full of labor as a wise man’s art;For folly that he wisely shows is fit,But wise men, folly-fall’n, quite taint their wit.Enter Sir Toby and Andrew.SIR TO.’Save you, gentleman.VIO.And you, sir.SIR AND.Dieu vous garde, monsieur.VIO.Et vous aussi; votre serviteur.SIR AND.I hope, sir, you are, and I am yours.SIR TO.Will you encounter the house? My niece is desirous you should enter, if your trade be to her.VIO.I am bound to your niece, sir; I mean she is the list of my voyage.SIR TO.Taste your legs, sir, put them to motion.VIO.My legs do better understand me, sir, than I understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs.SIR TO.I mean, to go, sir, to enter.VIO.I will answer you with gait and entrance—but we are prevented.Enter Olivia and Gentlewoman.Most excellent accomplish’d lady, the heavens rain odors on you!SIR AND.That youth’s a rare courtier—“rain odors,” well.VIO.My matter hath no voice, lady, but to your own most pregnant and vouchsafed ear.SIR AND.“Odors,” “pregnant,” and “vouchsafed”; I’ll get ’em all three all ready.OLI.Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing.Exeunt all but Olivia and Viola.Give me your hand, sir.VIO.My duty, madam, and most humble service.OLI.What is your name?VIO.Cesario is your servant’s name, fair princess.OLI.My servant, sir? ’Twas never merry worldSince lowly feigning was call’d compliment.Y’ are servant to the Count Orsino, youth.VIO.And he is yours, and his must needs be yours:Your servant’s servant is your servant, madam.OLI.For him, I think not on him. For his thoughts,Would they were blanks, rather than fill’d with me.VIO.Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughtsOn his behalf.OLI.O, by your leave, I pray you:I bade you never speak again of him;But would you undertake another suit,I had rather hear you to solicit thatThan music from the spheres.VIO.Dear lady—OLI.Give me leave, beseech you. I did send,After the last enchantment you did here,A ring in chase of you; so did I abuseMyself, my servant, and I fear me you.Under your hard construction must I sit,To force that on you in a shameful cunningWhich you knew none of yours. What might you think?Have you not set mine honor at the stake,And baited it with all th’ unmuzzled thoughtsThat tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receivingEnough is shown; a cypress, not a bosom,Hides my heart. So let me hear you speak.VIO.I pity you.OLI.That’s a degree to love.VIO.No, not a grize; for ’tis a vulgar proofThat very oft we pity enemies.OLI.Why then methinks ’tis time to smile again.O world, how apt the poor are to be proud!If one should be a prey, how much the betterTo fall before the lion than the wolf!Clock strikes.The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you,And yet when wit and youth is come to harvest,Your wife is like to reap a proper man.There lies your way, due west.VIO.Then westward-ho!Grace and good disposition attend your ladyship!You’ll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?OLI.Stay!I prithee tell me what thou think’st of me.VIO.That you do think you are not what you are.OLI.If I think so, I think the same of you.VIO.Then think you right: I am not what I am.OLI.I would you were as I would have you be.VIO.Would it be better, madam, than I am?I wish it might, for now I am your fool.OLI.Aside.OLI.O, what a deal of scorn looks beautifulIn the contempt and anger of his lip!A murd’rous guilt shows not itself more soonThan love that would seem hid: love’s night is noon.—Cesario, by the roses of the spring,By maidhood, honor, truth, and every thing,I love thee so, that maugre all thy pride,Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.Do not extort thy reasons from this clause,For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause;But rather reason thus with reason fetter:Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.VIO.By innocence I swear, and by my youth,I have one heart, one bosom, and one truth,And that no woman has, nor never noneShall mistress be of it, save I alone.And so adieu, good madam, never moreWill I my master’s tears to you deplore.OLI.Yet come again; for thou perhaps mayst moveThat heart which now abhors, to like his love.Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 2A room in Olivia’s house.Sir TobySir AndrewFabianMariaSir Andrew is angry and insistent that he will leave, given that the Duke’s messenger-boy was better received by Olivia than he ever has been himself. Fabian and Toby, afraid of losing his access to Andrew’s money, persuades him that Olivia only acted that way to make him jealous. They convince Andrew that the only honorable thing for him to do is challenge Cesario to a duel. Andrew goes off to write it while Toby and Fabian plan the fun they’ll have at the expense of the two, neither of whom appears to be particularly courageous. Maria arrives to tell them that Malvolio has dressed himself up as planned and is doing his best to smile, a sight well-worth seeing.Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian.SIR AND.No, faith, I’ll not stay a jot longer.SIR TO.Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.FAB.You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.SIR AND.Marry, I saw your niece do more favors to the Count’s servingman than ever she bestow’d upon me. I saw’t i’ th’ orchard.SIR TO.Did she see thee the while, old boy? Tell me that.SIR AND.As plain as I see you now.FAB.This was a great argument of love in her toward you.SIR AND.’Slight! Will you make an ass o’ me?FAB.I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason.SIR TO.And they have been grand-jurymen since before Noah was a sailor.FAB.She did show favor to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valor, to put fire in your heart, and brimstone in your liver. You should then have accosted her, and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have bang’d the youth into dumbness. This was look’d for at your hand, and this was balk’d. The double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sail’d into the north of my lady’s opinion, where you will hang like an icicle on a Dutchman’s beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt either of valor or policy.SIR AND.And’t be any way, it must be with valor, for policy I hate. I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.SIR TO.Why then build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valor. Challenge me the Count’s youth to fight with him, hurt him in eleven places—my niece shall take note of it, and assure thyself, there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man’s commendation with woman than report of valor.FAB.There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.SIR AND.Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?SIR TO.Go, write it in a martial hand, be curst and brief. It is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention. Taunt him with the license of ink. If thou thou’st him some thrice, it shall not be amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England, set ’em down. Go about it. Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou write with a goose-pen, no matter. About it.SIR AND.Where shall I find you?SIR TO.We’ll call thee at the cubiculo. Go.Exit Sir Andrew.FAB.This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.SIR TO.I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand strong, or so.FAB.We shall have a rare letter from him; but you’ll not deliver’t?SIR TO.Never trust me then; and by all means stir on the youth to an answer. I think oxen and wain-ropes cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were open’d and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I’ll eat the rest of th’ anatomy.FAB.And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty.Enter Maria.SIR TO.Look where the youngest wren of nine comes.MAR.If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is turn’d heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian that means to be sav’d by believing rightly can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He’s in yellow stockings.SIR TO.And cross-garter’d?MAR.Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i’ th’ church. I have dogg’d him like his murderer. He does obey every point of the letter that I dropp’d to betray him. He does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map, with the augmentation of the Indies; you have not seen such a thing as ’tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things at him. I know my lady will strike him. If she do, he’ll smile, and take’t for a great favor.SIR TO.Come bring us, bring us where he is.Exeunt omnes.
 
 
Scene 3Illyria. A street.SebastianAntonioAntonio has caught up with Sebastian, who cannot help but be grateful. Sebastian suggests that they do the tourist thing and see the sights, but Antonio explains that he is in danger in Illyria due to his having taken part in a sea-battle on the opposite side and doing the Illyrians no little damage. He proposes to arrange for their lodging and to meet up at an inn, the Elephant, later. Antonio gives Sebastian his purse on the off-chance Sebastian sees a trinket he’d like to buy.Enter Sebastian and Antonio.SEB.I would not by my will have troubled you,But since you make your pleasure of your pains,I will no further chide you.ANT.I could not stay behind you. My desire(More sharp than filed steel) did spur me forth,And not all love to see you (though so muchAs might have drawn one to a longer voyage)But jealousy what might befall your travel,Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger,Unguided and unfriended, often proveRough and unhospitable. My willing love,The rather by these arguments of fear,Set forth in your pursuit.SEB.My kind Antonio,I can no other answer make but thanks,And thanks; and ever oft good turnsAre shuffled off with such uncurrent pay;But were my worth as is my conscience firm,You should find better dealing. What’s to do?Shall we go see the reliques of this town?ANT.Tomorrow, sir; best first go see your lodging.SEB.I am not weary, and ’tis long to night;I pray you let us satisfy our eyesWith the memorials and the things of fameThat do renown this city.ANT.Would you’ld pardon me.I do not without danger walk these streets.Once in a sea-fight ’gainst the Count his galleysI did some service, of such note indeed,That were I ta’en here, it would scarce be answer’d.SEB.Belike you slew great number of his people?ANT.Th’ offense is not of such a bloody nature,Albeit the quality of the time and quarrelMight well have given us bloody argument.It might have since been answer’d in repayingWhat we took from them, which for traffic’s sakeMost of our city did. Only myself stood out,For which if I be lapsed in this placeI shall pay dear.SEB.Do not then walk too open.ANT.It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here’s my purse.In the south suburbs at the ElephantIs best to lodge. I will bespeak our diet,Whiles you beguile the time, and feed your knowledgeWith viewing of the town. There shall you have me.SEB.Why I your purse?ANT.Haply your eye shall light upon some toyYou have desire to purchase; and your storeI think is not for idle markets, sir.SEB.I’ll be your purse-bearer, and leave youFor an hour.ANT.To th’ Elephant.SEB.I do remember.Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 4Olivia’s garden.OliviaMariaMalvolioServantTobyFabianSir AndrewViolaAntonioFirst OfficerSecond OfficerOlivia is all a-flutter over the thought of Cesario’s return, and calls for Malvolio in the hopes that his sober demeanor will calm her down. Maria warns her, however, that Malvolio seems to have gone mad. Malvolio enters, grinning and dress in cross-gartered yellow stockings. Olivia is astounded and a little frightened by his manner and his apparently ludicrous talk. As he quotes the letter to her, she concludes that he is ill, and likely out of his wits. Hearing that “Cesario” has returned, she tells Maria to have Malvolio taken care of by Toby, emphasizing that she does not wish Malvolio harmed. The steward takes this as a sign of favor and believes that she has sent for Toby so that he can be haughty with him, as the letter directed. The three conspirators enter and pretend to believe that he is possessed. Malvolio exits in a cloud of superiority and the trio can hardly believe how well the trick has worked. Toby proposes that they have Malvolio tied up in a dark room, the cure for madmen. At this point Andrew arrives with his ludicrous letter of challenge. Toby takes the letter and promises to deliver it to Cesario, though he has no intention of doing so; the letter is so silly that Toby realizes Cesario will pay it no attention. He decides instead to challenge Cesario on Andrew behalf verbally, and to terrify the lad with reports of Andrew’s proficiency in weapons. They see Olivia and “Cesario” approaching and sneak away to wait for the lad to leave to catch him. Olivia is still wooing “Cesario”, but Viola insists that the only thing she is asking is for Olivia’s love for Orsino. The Countess is disappointed, but still tells “Cesario” to visit again the next day. As Viola prepares to leave, she is confronted by Sir Toby and Fabian, who explain that Sir Andrew is planning to kill “him”. She cannot understand what she has done to merit this, and asks to at least be allowed to know what her fault is. As Sir Toby goes to prepare an answer, Fabian frightens her even more with tales of Sir Andrew’s fierceness. Sir Toby, meanwhile, is doing the same to Sir Andrew, presenting “Cesario” to himself as a murderous opponent. Both Viola and Sir Andrew ask that for a way out of the duel; Sir Toby and Fabian pretend to negotiate between them, but return to say that the other is insistent on fighting. Viola and Sir Andrew unwillingly begin to fight, when Antonio bursts in. Convinced that viola is Sebastian, he takes up the quarrel with Sir Andrew on “his” behalf. Toby tries to intervene and Antonio threatens him, but they are interrupted by the arrival of officers who recognize Antonio and arrest him. Antonio realizes that there is no remedy, and asks Viola for his purse. Viola is completely confused, though since she is grateful for Antonio’s intervention she offers him the little money she has. Antonio is deeply injured that Sebastian, as he thinks, not only refuses to give back his money but even pretends not to know him. Viola suspects from his words that her brother might be alive. She takes off, and Toby pronounces “him” a coward. Sir Andrew, heartened by this, runs after her to start the fight again. Toby and Fabian follow, convinced that it will still produce no results.Enter Olivia and Maria.OLI.Aside.OLI.I have sent after him; he says he’ll come.How shall I feast him? What bestow of him?For youth is bought more oft than begg’d or borrow’d.I speak too loud.—Where’s Malvolio? He is sad and civil,And suits well for a servant with my fortunes.Where is Malvolio?MAR.He’s coming, madam, but in very strange manner. He is sure possess’d, madam.OLI.Why, what’s the matter? Does he rave?MAR.No, madam, he does nothing but smile. Your ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if he come, for sure the man is tainted in ’s wits.OLI.Go call him hither.Enter Malvolio.I am as mad as he,If sad and merry madness equal be.How now, Malvolio?MAL.Sweet lady, ho, ho.OLI.Smil’st thou? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.MAL.Sad, lady? I could be sad. This does make some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering, but what of that? If it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is, “Please one, and please all.”OLI.Why, how dost thou, man? What is the matter with thee?MAL.Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It did come to his hands, and commands shall be executed. I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.OLI.Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?MAL.To bed? Ay, sweet heart, and I’ll come to thee.OLI.God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so, and kiss thy hand so oft?MAR.How do you, Malvolio?MAL.At your request! Yes, nightingales answer daws.MAR.Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?MAL.“Be not afraid of greatness”: ’twas well writ.OLI.What mean’st thou by that, Malvolio?MAL.“Some are born great”—OLI.Ha?MAL.“Some achieve greatness”—OLI.What say’st thou?MAL.“And some have greatness thrust upon them.”OLI.Heaven restore thee!MAL.“Remember who commended thy yellow stockings”—OLI.Thy yellow stockings?MAL.“And wish’d to see thee cross-garter’d.”OLI.Cross-garter’d?MAL.“Go to, thou art made, if thou desir’st to be so”—OLI.Am I made?MAL.“If not, let me see thee a servant still.”OLI.Why, this is very midsummer madness.Enter Servant.SERV.SERV.Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino’s is return’d. I could hardly entreat him back. He attends your ladyship’s pleasure.OLI.I’ll come to him.Exit Servant.Good Maria, let this fellow be look’d to. Where’s my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him. I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.Exit with Maria.MAL.O ho, do you come near me now? No worse man than Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter. “Cast thy humble slough,” says she; “be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity”; and consequently sets down the manner how: as a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have lim’d her, but it is Jove’s doing, and Jove make me thankful! And when she went away now, “Let this fellow be look’d to”; “fellow”! Not “Malvolio,” nor after my degree, but “fellow.” Why, every thing adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance—What can be said? Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thank’d.Enter Toby, Fabian, and Maria.SIR TO.Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possess’d him, yet I’ll speak to him.FAB.Here he is, here he is. How is’t with you, sir?SIR TO.How is’t with you, man?MAL.Go off, I discard you. Let me enjoy my private. Go off.MAR.Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! Did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.MAL.Ah ha, does she so?SIR TO.Go to, go to; peace, peace, we must deal gently with him. Let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? How is’t with you? What, man, defy the devil! Consider, he’s an enemy to mankind.MAL.Do you know what you say?MAR.La you, and you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray God he be not bewitch’d!FAB.Carry his water to th’ wise woman.MAR.Marry, and it shall be done tomorrow morning if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I’ll say.MAL.How now, mistress?MAR.O Lord!SIR TO.Prithee hold thy peace, this is not the way. Do you not see you move him? Let me alone with him.FAB.No way but gentleness, gently, gently. The fiend is rough, and will not be roughly us’d.SIR TO.Why, how now, my bawcock? How dost thou, chuck?MAL.Sir!SIR TO.Ay, biddy, come with me. What, man, ’tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Sathan. Hang him, foul collier!MAR.Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.MAL.My prayers, minx!MAR.No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.MAL.Go hang yourselves all! You are idle shallow things, I am not of your element. You shall know more hereafter.Exit.SIR TO.Is’t possible?FAB.If this were play’d upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.SIR TO.His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.MAR.Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air, and taint.FAB.Why, we shall make him mad indeed.MAR.The house will be the quieter.SIR TO.Come, we’ll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece is already in the belief that he’s mad. We may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tir’d out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him; at which time we will bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see.Enter Sir Andrew.FAB.More matter for a May morning.SIR AND.Here’s the challenge, read it. I warrant there’s vinegar and pepper in’t.FAB.Is’t so saucy?SIR AND.Ay, is’t! I warrant him. Do but read.SIR TO.Give me.Reads.“Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.”FAB.Good, and valiant.SIR TO.Reads.“Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for’t.”FAB.A good note, that keeps you from the blow of the law.SIR TO.Reads.“Thou com’st to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly. But thou liest in thy throat, that is not the matter I challenge thee for.”FAB.Very brief, and to exceeding good sense—less.SIR TO.Reads.“I will waylay thee going home, where if it be thy chance to kill me”—FAB.Good.SIR TO.Reads.“Thou kill’st me like a rogue and a villain.”FAB.Still you keep o’ th’ windy side of the law; good.SIR TO.Reads.“Fare thee well, and God have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine, but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,Andrew Aguecheek.”If this letter move him not, his legs cannot. I’ll give’t him.MAR.You may have very fit occasion for’t; he is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.SIR TO.Go, Sir Andrew, scout me for him at the corner of the orchard like a burn-baily. So soon as ever thou seest him, draw, and as thou draw’st, swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twang’d off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earn’d him. Away!SIR AND.Nay, let me alone for swearing.Exit.SIR TO.Now will not I deliver his letter; for the behavior of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less. Therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth; he will find it comes from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth, set upon Aguecheek a notable report of valor, and drive the gentleman (as I know his youth will aptly receive it) into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity. This will so fright them both that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices.Enter Olivia and Viola.FAB.Here he comes with your niece. Give them way till he take leave, and presently after him.SIR TO.I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.Exeunt Sir Toby, Fabian, and Maria.OLI.I have said too much unto a heart of stone,And laid mine honor too unchary on’t.There’s something in me that reproves my fault;But such a headstrong potent fault it isThat it but mocks reproof.VIO.With the same havior that your passion bearsGoes on my master’s griefs.OLI.Here, wear this jewel for me, ’tis my picture.Refuse it not, it hath no tongue to vex you;And I beseech you come again tomorrow.What shall you ask of me that I’ll deny,That honor, sav’d, may upon asking give?VIO.Nothing but this—your true love for my master.OLI.How with mine honor may I give him thatWhich I have given to you?VIO.I will acquit you.OLI.Well, come again tomorrow. Fare thee well.A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.Exit.Enter Toby and Fabian.SIR TO.Gentleman, God save thee!VIO.And you, sir.SIR TO.That defense thou hast, betake thee to’t. Of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end. Dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skillful, and deadly.VIO.You mistake, sir, I am sure; no man hath any quarrel to me. My remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offense done to any man.SIR TO.You’ll find it otherwise, I assure you; therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard; for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill, and wrath can furnish man withal.VIO.I pray you, sir, what is he?SIR TO.He is knight, dubb’d with unhatch’d rapier, and on carpet consideration, but he is a devil in private brawl. Souls and bodies hath he divorc’d three, and his incensement at this moment is so implacable, that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give’t or take’t.VIO.I will return again into the house, and desire some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others, to taste their valor. Belike this is a man of that quirk.SIR TO.Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury; therefore get you on, and give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him; therefore on, or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you must, that’s certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.VIO.This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you do me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what my offense to him is. It is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.SIR TO.I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return.Exit Toby.VIO.Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?FAB.I know the knight is incens’d against you, even to a mortal arbitrement, but nothing of the circumstance more.VIO.I beseech you, what manner of man is he?FAB.Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valor. He is indeed, sir, the most skillful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I can.VIO.I shall be much bound to you for’t. I am one that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight. I care not who knows so much of my mettle.Exeunt.Enter Toby and Andrew.SIR TO.Why, man, he’s a very devil, I have not seen such a firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard, and all; and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal motion that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hits the ground they step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.SIR AND.Pox on’t, I’ll not meddle with him.SIR TO.Ay, but he will not now be pacified. Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.SIR AND.Plague on’t, and I thought he had been valiant, and so cunning in fence, I’d have seen him damn’d ere I’d have challeng’d him. Let him let the matter slip, and I’ll give him my horse, grey Capilet.SIR TO.I’ll make the motion. Stand here, make a good show on’t; this shall end without the perdition of souls.Aside.Marry, I’ll ride your horse as well as I ride you.Enter Fabian and Viola.To Fabian.I have his horse to take up the quarrel. I have persuaded him the youth’s a devil.FAB.He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.SIR TO.To Viola.There’s no remedy, sir, he will fight with you for ’s oath sake. Marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of; therefore draw, for the supportance of his vow. He protests he will not hurt you.VIO.Aside.VIO.Pray God defend me! A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man.FAB.Give ground if you see him furious.SIR TO.Come, Sir Andrew, there’s no remedy, the gentleman will for his honor’s sake have one bout with you. He cannot by the duello avoid it; but he has promis’d me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on, to’t.SIR AND.Pray God he keep his oath!Enter Antonio.VIO.I do assure you, ’tis against my will.They draw.ANT.Put up your sword. If this young gentlemanHave done offense, I take the fault on me;If you offend him, I for him defy you.SIR TO.You, sir? Why, what are you?ANT.One, sir, that for his love dares yet do moreThan you have heard him brag to you he will.SIR TO.Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.They draw.Enter Officers.FAB.O good Sir Toby, hold! Here come the officers.SIR TO.To Antonio.I’ll be with you anon.Steps aside to avoid the Officers.VIO.Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.SIR AND.Marry, will I, sir; and for that I promis’d you, I’ll be as good as my word. He will bear you easily, and reins well.1. OFF.This is the man, do thy office.2. OFF.Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.ANT.You do mistake me, sir.1. OFF.No, sir, no jot. I know your favor well,Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.Take him away, he knows I know him well.ANT.I must obey.To Viola.This comes with seeking you;But there’s no remedy, I shall answer it.What will you do, now my necessityMakes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves meMuch more for what I cannot do for youThan what befalls myself. You stand amaz’d,But be of comfort.2. OFF.Come, sir, away.ANT.I must entreat of you some of that money.VIO.What money, sir?For the fair kindness you have show’d me here,And part being prompted by your present trouble,Out of my lean and low abilityI’ll lend you something. My having is not much;I’ll make division of my present with you.Hold, there’s half my coffer.ANT.Will you deny me now?Is’t possible that my deserts to youCan lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,Lest that it make me so unsound a manAs to upbraid you with those kindnessesThat I have done for you.VIO.I know of none,Nor know I you by voice or any feature.I hate ingratitude more in a manThan lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,Or any taint of vice whose strong corruptionInhabits our frail blood.ANT.O heavens themselves!2. OFF.Come, sir, I pray you go.ANT.Let me speak a little. This youth that you see hereI snatch’d one half out of the jaws of death,Reliev’d him with such sanctity of love,And to his image, which methought did promiseMost venerable worth, did I devotion.1. OFF.What’s that to us? The time goes by; away!ANT.But O, how vild an idol proves this god!Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.In nature there’s no blemish but the mind;None can be call’d deform’d but the unkind.Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evilAre empty trunks o’erflourish’d by the devil.1. OFF.The man grows mad, away with him! Come, come, sir.ANT.Lead me on.Exit with Officers.VIO.Methinks his words do from such passion flyThat he believes himself; so do not I.Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you!SIR TO.Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian; we’ll whisper o’er a couplet or two of most sage saws.VIO.He nam’d Sebastian. I my brother knowYet living in my glass; even such and soIn favor was my brother, and he wentStill in this fashion, color, ornament,For him I imitate. O, if it prove,Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.Exit.SIR TO.A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare. His dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity, and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.FAB.A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.SIR AND.’Slid, I’ll after him again, and beat him.SIR TO.Do, cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.SIR AND.And I do not—Exit.FAB.Come, let’s see the event.SIR TO.I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet.Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 1Illyria, A street adjoining Olivia’s house.SebastianClownAndrewTobyFabianOliviaFeste, believing him to be “Cesario”, is following Sebastian around, insisting that he has been sent to fetch the young man. Sebastian is quite confused, and thinking the jester a beggar, tries to pay him to go away. Just then Andrew comes in and hits Sebastian. Unfortunately for him, Sebastian is not the type to take this lying down, and beats him right back, and much worse. Toby tries to restrain him, and they end up drawing swords on each other while Feste runs to fetch Olivia. The Countess arrives and dismisses Toby from her sight in a rage before meltingly inviting “Cesario” in to hear her tell all of the other fooleries that Toby has made himself guilty of over the years. Sebastian thinks he must be dreaming to have such a beautiful woman invite him in, but he is quite willing to do so.Enter Sebastian and Clown.CLO.Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?SEB.Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow,Let me be clear of thee.CLO.Well held out, i’ faith! No, I do not know you, nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with her, nor your name is not Master Cesario, nor this is not my nose neither: nothing that is so is so.SEB.I prithee vent thy folly somewhere else,Thou know’st not me.CLO.Vent my folly! He has heard that word of some great man, and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid this great lubber the world will prove a cockney. I prithee now ungird thy strangeness, and tell me what I shall vent to my lady. Shall I vent to her that thou art coming?SEB.I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me.There’s money for thee. If you tarry longer,I shall give worse payment.CLO.By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report—after fourteen years’ purchase.Enter Andrew, Toby, and Fabian.SIR AND.Now, sir, have I met you again? There’s for you.Strikes Sebastian.SEB.Why, there’s for thee, and there, and there.Strikes Sir Andrew.Are all the people mad?Draws his dagger.SIR TO.Hold, sir, or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the house.Seizes Sebastian’s arm.CLO.This will I tell my lady straight; I would not be in some of your coats for twopence.Exit.SIR TO.Come on, sir, hold!SIR AND.Nay, let him alone. I’ll go another way to work with him; I’ll have an action of battery against him, if there be any law in Illyria. Though I strook him first, yet it’s no matter for that.SEB.Let go thy hand.SIR TO.Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron; you are well flesh’d. Come on.SEB.I will be free from thee.Breaks away and draws his sword.What wouldst thou now?If thou dar’st tempt me further, draw thy sword.SIR TO.What, what? Nay then I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you.Draws.Enter Olivia.OLI.Hold, Toby, on thy life I charge thee hold!SIR TO.Madam—OLI.Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,Where manners ne’er were preach’d! Out of my sight!Be not offended, dear Cesario.Rudesby, be gone!Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian.I prithee, gentle friend,Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, swayIn this uncivil and unjust extentAgainst thy peace. Go with me to my house,And hear thou there how many fruitless pranksThis ruffian hath botch’d up, that thou therebyMayst smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go;Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,He started one poor heart of mine, in thee.SEB.What relish is in this? How runs the stream?Or I am mad, or else this is a dream.Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!OLI.Nay, come, I prithee. Would thou’dst be rul’d by me!SEB.Madam, I will.OLI.O, say so, and so be!Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 2A room in Olivia’s house.MariaClownTobyMalvolioMaria dresses Feste up with a false beard as the curate Sir Topas so that he may visit Malvolio, who is locked and bound in a dark room. Feste does so, pretending to determine whether or not Malvolio is mad, but refusing to believe the steward’s claims that he is not. He goes away, leaving Malvolio in his jail. Toby, worried at how much trouble he’s in with Olivia, tells Feste to go back to Malvolio as himself, and to see if he can find a way to safely set Malvolio free. Feste wanders by the cell, singing, and Malvolio begs him to bring him pen and ink. Feste pretends that Sir Topas is coming, and holds a conversation with himself warning Feste to stay away from the madman. Still, in the end he agrees to help Malvolio write a letter to Olivia.Enter Maria and Clown.MAR.Nay, I prithee put on this gown and this beard, make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate, do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.Exit.CLO.Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good studient; but to be said an honest man and a good house-keeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.Enter Toby and Maria.SIR TO.Jove bless thee, Master Parson.CLO.Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, “That that is is”; so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is “that” but “that,” and “is” but “is”?SIR TO.To him, Sir Topas.CLO.What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!SIR TO.The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.MAL.Within.Who calls there?CLO.Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.MAL.Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.CLO.Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?SIR TO.Well said, Master Parson.MAL.Sir Topas, never was man thus wrong’d. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad; they have laid me here in hideous darkness.CLO.Fie, thou dishonest Sathan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Say’st thou that house is dark?MAL.As hell, Sir Topas.CLO.Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?MAL.I am not mad, Sir Topas, I say to you this house is dark.CLO.Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.MAL.I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus abus’d. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of it in any constant question.CLO.What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl?MAL.That the soul of our grandam might happily inhabit a bird.CLO.What think’st thou of his opinion?MAL.I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.CLO.Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold th’ opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.MAL.Sir Topas, Sir Topas!SIR TO.My most exquisite Sir Topas!CLO.Nay, I am for all waters.MAR.Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown, he sees thee not.SIR TO.To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou find’st him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently deliver’d, I would he were, for I am now so far in offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport t’ the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.Exit with Maria.CLO.Sings.“Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,Tell me how thy lady does.”MAL.Fool!CLO.“My lady is unkind, perdie.”MAL.Fool!CLO.“Alas, why is she so?”MAL.Fool, I say!CLO.“She loves another”—Who calls, ha?MAL.Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.CLO.Master Malvolio?MAL.Ay, good fool.CLO.Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?MAL.Fool, there was never man so notoriously abus’d; I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.CLO.But as well! Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.MAL.They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.CLO.Advise you what you say; the minister is here.—Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! Endeavor thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.MAL.Sir Topas!CLO.Maintain no words with him, good fellow.—Who, I, sir? Not I, sir. God buy you, good Sir Topas.—Marry, amen.—I will, sir, I will.MAL.Fool, fool, fool, I say!CLO.Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to you.MAL.Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.CLO.Well-a-day that you were, sir!MAL.By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.CLO.I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed, or do you but counterfeit?MAL.Believe me I am not, I tell thee true.CLO.Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.MAL.Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee be gone.CLO.Sings.I am gone, sir,And anon, sir,I’ll be with you again;In a trice,Like to the old Vice,Your need to sustain;Who with dagger of lath,In his rage and his wrath,Cries, ah, ha! To the devil;Like a mad lad,Pare thy nails, dad.Adieu, goodman devil.Exit.
 
 
Scene 3Olivia’s garden.SebastianOliviaPriestSebastian wanders in the garden, reassuring himself that the world is still tangible and real, and that therefore this is likely not all a dream. He wonders where the vanished Antonio has got to, and wishes he were around to offer him counsel. He comes to the conclusion that either he is mad, or else Olivia is; but seeing that she clearly manages her household well, he cannot admit the latter possibility to be very likely. Olivia enters with a priest and begs Sebastian to come and marry her, promising to keep it a secret as long as he wishes. Sebastian agrees.Enter Sebastian.SEB.This is the air, that is the glorious sun,This pearl she gave me, I do feel’t and see’t,And though ’tis wonder that enwraps me thus,Yet ’tis not madness. Where’s Antonio then?I could not find him at the Elephant,Yet there he was, and there I found this credit,That he did range the town to seek me out.His counsel now might do me golden service,For though my soul disputes well with my sense,That this may be some error, but no madness,Yet doth this accident and flood of fortuneSo far exceed all instance, all discourse,That I am ready to distrust mine eyes,And wrangle with my reason that persuades meTo any other trust but that I am mad,Or else the lady’s mad; yet if ’twere so,She could not sway her house, command her followers,Take and give back affairs, and their dispatch,With such a smooth, discreet, and stable bearingAs I perceive she does. There’s something in’tThat is deceivable. But here the lady comes.Enter Olivia and Priest.OLI.Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,Now go with me, and with this holy man,Into the chantry by; there, before him,And underneath that consecrated roof,Plight me the full assurance of your faith,That my most jealous and too doubtful soulMay live at peace. He shall conceal itWhiles you are willing it shall come to note,What time we will our celebration keepAccording to my birth. What do you say?SEB.I’ll follow this good man, and go with you,And having sworn truth, ever will be true.OLI.Then lead the way, good father, and heavens so shineThat they may fairly note this act of mine!Exeunt.
 
 
Scene 1A street before Olivia’s house.ClownFabianDukeViolaCurioLordsAntonioFirst OfficerSecond OfficerOliviaAttendantsPriestSir AndrewSir TobyMalvolioFabian tries to get Feste to let him read the letter Malvolio has written to Olivia, but the jester refuses. Orsino arrives, having finally decided to visit Olivia in person. Feste jests with him until Orsino has little choice but to pay him. The Officers bring Antonio in, and Viola, who is in Orsino’s train, points him out as the man who rescued her. Orsino recognizes him as the pirate who did them so much damage in the sea-battle, in which his own nephew lost a leg. Antonio protests that he was not a pirate, and explains his presence by telling the tale of how he followed Sebastian to Illyria, and how the lad denied knowing him. As Olivia comes in, Orsino tells the captain that he’s mad: “Cesario” has spent the three months Antonio claims he spent with him in the Duke’s own company. Olivia enters, chiding “Cesario” for not being with her and still refusing to love Orsino. The Duke soon works out that she is in love with his servant, and promises to never let her see “him” again. Olivia calls on “Cesario” to stay by her, but Viola insists on following ORsino. When Olivia calls her “husband”, she is utterly confused, but Orsino is enraged, convinced that “Cesario” has been acting behind his back. Viola denies having married the Countess, but Olivia calls in the priest to confirm her tale. Orsino banishes “Cesario” from his presence and Olivia reproaches “him” for perjury. Just then Sir Andrew comes in with a bleeding head, calling for a doctor. He accuses “Cesario” of the deed, though Viola, as confused as everyone else, denies this. Sir Toby arrives, his head bleeding as well. Sir Andrew offers to help him in so that they can have their wounds tended to together, but Toby turns on him and tells him to his face just what he is. Olivia sends them out. Sebastian arrives to apologize to Olivia for wounding her kinsman, to everyone’s great confusion. He also greets Antonio happily and gives him back his purse. No-one can tell a difference between Sebastian and “Cesario”. As they look at each other, the twins realize who they must be, and test each other, asking for details that only they would know to confirm their respective identities before they will believe that they are reunited. Viola’s identity as a woman is finally revealed, and the confusions cleared up. Orsino, remembering her promises that she would never love a woman as much as she loved him, takes her at her word and offers to marry her. Viola offers to change back into women’s clothing, but explains that the Captain who can prove her story (and who has her clothes) has been imprisoned for debt at Malvolio’s request. Olivia promises that Malvolio will let him go, but then remembers that the steward is mad. Feste hands over Malvolio’s letter after trying to read it aloud in a madman’s voice. Olivia is impatient with foolery at this moment, and has Fabian read it instead. No-one thinks it is the letter of a madman. While waiting for Malvolio to be fetched in, Orsino and Olivia agree to have a double wedding, and Olivia greets Viola as her sister. Malvolio enters and pleads for justice, holding out the letter he found in the garden as an explanation for his behavior. Olivia takes it and has to tell him that she didn’t write it: the handwriting’s is Maria’s. Fabian steps forward and admits to the whole plot against Malvolio, mentioning that to reward Maria for her ideas Toby has married her, and hoping that in the joy of a wedding-day they will be forgiven. Malvolio admits to his own role, and points out that Malvolio brought it on himself. The steward refuses to be reconciled, and goes out swearing that he will have his revenge on them all. Orsino requests that he be followed and persuaded to tell them about the Captain. In the meantime everyone goes indoors to sort out all the details of the story. Orsino insists they will not leave Olivia’s house until everyone is happily married. Feste remains behind, singing a farewell song to the audience.Enter Clown and Fabian.FAB.Now as thou lov’st me, let me see his letter.CLO.Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.FAB.Any thing.CLO.Do not desire to see this letter.FAB.This is to give a dog and in recompense desire my dog again.Enter Duke, Viola, Curio, and Lords.DUKE.Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?CLO.Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings.DUKE.I know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?CLO.Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.DUKE.Just the contrary: the better for thy friends.CLO.No, sir, the worse.DUKE.How can that be?CLO.Marry, sir, they praise me, and make an ass of me. Now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass; so that by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am abus’d; so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives, why then the worse for my friends and the better for my foes.DUKE.Why, this is excellent.CLO.By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my friends.DUKE.Thou shalt not be the worse for me, there’s gold.CLO.But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it another.DUKE.O, you give me ill counsel.CLO.Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it.DUKE.Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer. There’s another.CLO.Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play, and the old saying is, the third pays for all. The triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure, or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind—one, two, three.DUKE.You can fool no more money out of me at this throw. If you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further.CLO.Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir, but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness; but as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I will awake it anon.Exit.Enter Antonio and Officers.VIO.Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.DUKE.That face of his I do remember well,Yet when I saw it last, it was besmear’dAs black as Vulcan in the smoke of war.A baubling vessel was he captain of,For shallow draught and bulk unprizable,With which such scathful grapple did he makeWith the most noble bottom of our fleet,That very envy, and the tongue of loss,Cried fame and honor on him. What’s the matter?1. OFF.Orsino, this is that AntonioThat took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy,And this is he that did the Tiger board,When your young nephew Titus lost his leg.Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,In private brabble did we apprehend him.VIO.He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side,But in conclusion put strange speech upon me.I know not what ’twas but distraction.DUKE.Notable pirate, thou salt-water thief!What foolish boldness brought thee to their merciesWhom thou in terms so bloody and so dearHast made thine enemies?ANT.Orsino, noble sir,Be pleas’d that I shake off these names you give me.Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,Though I confess, on base and ground enough,Orsino’s enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:That most ingrateful boy there by your sideFrom the rude sea’s enrag’d and foamy mouthDid I redeem; a wrack past hope he was.His life I gave him, and did thereto addMy love, without retention or restraint,All his in dedication. For his sakeDid I expose myself (pure for his love)Into the danger of this adverse town,Drew to defend him when he was beset;Where being apprehended, his false cunning(Not meaning to partake with me in danger)Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,And grew a twenty years removed thingWhile one would wink; denied me mine own purse,Which I had recommended to his useNot half an hour before.VIO.How can this be?DUKE.When came he to this town?ANT.Today, my lord; and for three months before,No int’rim, not a minute’s vacancy,Both day and night did we keep company.Enter Olivia and Attendants.DUKE.Here comes the Countess, now heaven walks on earth.But for thee, fellow—fellow, thy words are madness.Three months this youth hath tended upon me,But more of that anon. Take him aside.OLI.What would my lord, but that he may not have,Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.VIO.Madam—DUKE.Gracious Olivia—OLI.What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord—VIO.My lord would speak, my duty hushes me.OLI.If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,It is as fat and fulsome to mine earAs howling after music.DUKE.Still so cruel?OLI.Still so constant, lord.DUKE.What, to perverseness? You uncivil lady,To whose ingrate and unauspicious altarsMy soul the faithfull’st off’rings have breath’d outThat e’er devotion tender’d! What shall I do?OLI.Even what it please my lord, that shall become him.DUKE.Why should I not (had I the heart to do it),Like to th’ Egyptian thief at point of death,Kill what I love? (a savage jealousyThat sometime savors nobly), but hear me this:Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,And that I partly know the instrumentThat screws me from my true place in your favor,Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still.But this your minion, whom I know you love,And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,Where he sits crowned in his master’s spite.Come, boy, with me, my thoughts are ripe in mischief.I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,To spite a raven’s heart within a dove.VIO.And I most jocund, apt, and willingly,To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.OLI.Where goes Cesario?VIO.After him I loveMore than I love these eyes, more than my life,More by all mores than e’er I shall love wife.If I do feign, you witnesses abovePunish my life for tainting of my love!OLI.Ay me, detested! How am I beguil’d!VIO.Who does beguile you? Who does do you wrong?OLI.Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?Call forth the holy father.DUKE.Come, away!OLI.Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.DUKE.Husband?OLI.Ay, husband. Can he that deny?DUKE.Her husband, sirrah?VIO.No, my lord, not I.OLI.Alas, it is the baseness of thy fearThat makes thee strangle thy propriety.Fear not, Cesario, take thy fortunes up,Be that thou know’st thou art, and then thou artAs great as that thou fear’st.Enter Priest.O, welcome, father!Father, I charge thee by thy reverenceHere to unfold, though lately we intendedTo keep in darkness what occasion nowReveals before ’tis ripe, what thou dost knowHath newly pass’d between this youth and me.PRIEST.A contract of eternal bond of love,Confirm’d by mutual joinder of your hands,Attested by the holy close of lips,Strength’ned by interchangement of your rings,And all the ceremony of this compactSeal’d in my function, by my testimony;Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my graveI have travell’d but two hours.DUKE.O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou beWhen time hath sow’d a grizzle on thy case?Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow,That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?Farewell, and take her, but direct thy feetWhere thou and I (henceforth) may never meet.VIO.My lord, I do protest—OLI.O, do not swear!Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.Enter Sir Andrew.SIR AND.For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently to Sir Toby.OLI.What’s the matter?SIR AND.H’as broke my head across, and has given Sir Toby a bloody coxcomb too. For the love of God, your help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.OLI.Who has done this, Sir Andrew?SIR AND.The Count’s gentleman, one Cesario. We took him for a coward, but he’s the very devil incardinate.DUKE.My gentleman, Cesario?SIR AND.’Od’s lifelings, here he is! You broke my head for nothing, and that that I did, I was set on to do’t by Sir Toby.VIO.Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you.I drew your sword upon me without cause,But I bespake you fair, and hurt you not.Enter Toby and Clown.SIR AND.If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me. I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. Here comes Sir Toby halting—you shall hear more. But if he had not been in drink, he would have tickled you othergates than he did.DUKE.How now, gentleman? How is’t with you?SIR TO.That’s all one. H’as hurt me, and there’s th’ end on’t. Sot, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?CLO.O, he’s drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes were set at eight i’ th’ morning.SIR TO.Then he’s a rogue, and a passy-measures pavin. I hate a drunken rogue.OLI.Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?SIR AND.I’ll help you, Sir Toby, because we’ll be dress’d together.SIR TO.Will you help?—an ass-head and a coxcomb and a knave, a thin-fac’d knave, a gull!OLI.Get him to bed, and let his hurt be look’d to.Exeunt Clown, Fabian, Sir Toby, and Sir Andrew.Enter Sebastian.SEB.I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman,But had it been the brother of my blood,I must have done no less with wit and safety.You throw a strange regard upon me, and by thatI do perceive it hath offended you.Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vowsWe made each other but so late ago.DUKE.One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons,A natural perspective, that is and is not!SEB.Antonio, O my dear Antonio!How have the hours rack’d and tortur’d me,Since I have lost thee!ANT.Sebastian are you?SEB.Fear’st thou that, Antonio?ANT.How have you made division of yourself?An apple, cleft in two, is not more twinThan these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?OLI.Most wonderful!SEB.Do I stand there? I never had a brother;Nor can there be that deity in my natureOf here and every where. I had a sister,Whom the blind waves and surges have devour’d.Of charity, what kin are you to me?What countryman? What name? What parentage?VIO.Of Messaline; Sebastian was my father,Such a Sebastian was my brother too;So went he suited to his watery tomb.If spirits can assume both form and suit,You come to fright us.SEB.A spirit I am indeed,But am in that dimension grossly cladWhich from the womb I did participate.Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,And say, “Thrice welcome, drowned Viola!”VIO.My father had a mole upon his brow.SEB.And so had mine.VIO.And died that day when Viola from her birthHad numb’red thirteen years.SEB.O, that record is lively in my soul!He finished indeed his mortal actThat day that made my sister thirteen years.VIO.If nothing lets to make us happy bothBut this my masculine usurp’d attire,Do not embrace me till each circumstanceOf place, time, fortune, do cohere and jumpThat I am Viola—which to confirm,I’ll bring you to a captain in this town,Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle helpI was preserv’d to serve this noble count.All the occurrence of my fortune sinceHath been between this lady and this lord.SEB.To Olivia.So comes it, lady, you have been mistook;But Nature to her bias drew in that.You would have been contracted to a maid,Nor are you therein, by my life, deceiv’d,You are betroth’d both to a maid and man.DUKE.Be not amaz’d, right noble is his blood.If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,I shall have share in this most happy wrack.To Viola.Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand timesThou never shouldst love woman like to me.VIO.And all those sayings will I over swear,And all those swearings keep as true in soulAs doth that orbed continent the fireThat severs day from night.DUKE.Give me thy hand,And let me see thee in thy woman’s weeds.VIO.The captain that did bring me first on shoreHath my maid’s garments. He upon some actionIs now in durance, at Malvolio’s suit,A gentleman, and follower of my lady’s.OLI.He shall enlarge him; fetch Malvolio hither.And yet, alas, now I remember me,They say, poor gentleman, he’s much distract.Enter Clown with a letter, and Fabian.A most extracting frenzy of mine ownFrom my remembrance clearly banish’d his.How does he, sirrah?CLO.Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the stave’s end as well as a man in his case may do. H’as here writ a letter to you; I should have given’t you today morning. But as a madman’s epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are deliver’d.OLI.Open’t and read it.CLO.Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers the madman.Reads madly.“By the Lord, madam”—OLI.How now, art thou mad?CLO.No, madam, I do but read madness. And your ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow vox.OLI.Prithee read i’ thy right wits.CLO.So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to read thus; therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.OLI.To Fabian.Read it you, sirrah.FAB.Reads.“By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall know it. Though you have put me into darkness, and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as your ladyship. I have your own letter that induc’d me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right, or you much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little unthought of, and speak out of my injury.The madly-us’d Malvolio.”OLI.Did he write this?CLO.Ay, madam.DUKE.This savors not much of distraction.OLI.See him deliver’d, Fabian, bring him hither.Exit Fabian.My lord, so please you, these things further thought on,To think me as well a sister as a wife,One day shall crown th’ alliance on’t, so please you,Here at my house and at my proper cost.DUKE.Madam, I am most apt t’ embrace your offer.To Viola.Your master quits you; and for your service done him,So much against the mettle of your sex,So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,And since you call’d me master for so long,Here is my hand—you shall from this time beYour master’s mistress.OLI.A sister! You are she.Enter Fabian with Malvolio.DUKE.Is this the madman?OLI.Ay, my lord, this same.How now, Malvolio?MAL.Madam, you have done me wrong,Notorious wrong.OLI.Have I, Malvolio? No.MAL.Lady, you have. Pray you peruse that letter.You must not now deny it is your hand;Write from it if you can, in hand or phrase,Or say ’tis not your seal, not your invention.You can say none of this. Well, grant it then,And tell me, in the modesty of honor,Why you have given me such clear lights of favor,Bade me come smiling and cross-garter’d to you,To put on yellow stockings, and to frownUpon Sir Toby and the lighter people;And acting this in an obedient hope,Why have you suffer’d me to be imprison’d,Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,And made the most notorious geck and gullThat e’er invention play’d on? Tell me why!OLI.Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,Though I confess much like the character;But out of question ’tis Maria’s hand.And now I do bethink me, it was sheFirst told me thou wast mad. Then cam’st in smiling,And in such forms which here were presuppos’dUpon thee in the letter. Prithee be content.This practice hath most shrewdly pass’d upon thee;But when we know the grounds and authors of it,Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judgeOf thine own cause.FAB.Good madam, hear me speak,And let no quarrel nor no brawl to comeTaint the condition of this present hour,Which I have wond’red at. In hope it shall not,Most freely I confess, myself and TobySet this device against Malvolio here,Upon some stubborn and uncourteous partsWe had conceiv’d against him. Maria writThe letter at Sir Toby’s great importance,In recompense whereof he hath married her.How with a sportful malice it was follow’dMay rather pluck on laughter than revenge,If that the injuries be justly weigh’dThat have on both sides pass’d.OLI.Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!CLO.Why, “some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon them.” I was one, sir, in this enterlude—one Sir Topas, sir, but that’s all one. “By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.” But do you remember? “Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal? And you smile not, he’s gagg’d.” And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.MAL.I’ll be reveng’d on the whole pack of you.Exit.OLI.He hath been most notoriously abus’d.DUKE.Pursue him, and entreat him to a peace;He hath not told us of the captain yet.When that is known, and golden time convents,A solemn combination shall be madeOf our dear souls. Mean time, sweet sister,We will not part from hence. Cesario, come—For so you shall be while you are a man;But when in other habits you are seen,Orsino’s mistress, and his fancy’s queen.Exeunt all but Clown.CLO.CLO.Clown sings.CLO.When that I was and a little tiny boy,With hey ho, the wind and the rain,A foolish thing was but a toy,For the rain it raineth every day.But when I came to man’s estate,With hey ho, etc.’Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,For the rain, etc.But when I came, alas, to wive,With hey ho, etc.By swaggering could I never thrive,For the rain, etc.But when I came unto my beds,With hey ho, etc.With toss-pots still had drunken heads,For the rain, etc.A great while ago the world begun,With hey ho, etc.But that’s all one, our play is done,And we’ll strive to please you every day.Exit.
 
 
 
 
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